Lost In Translation

I had a very weird text conversation last night. Transcript follows:

Note: The X’s are the words I understand but don’t know how to pronounce. Thirteen years of Chinese education down the drain…hay!!!

Unknown number (UN): Ni hao. (Hello, are you well?) [Yes, it’s in freakin’ mandarin, complete with Chinese characters. Or maybe it was in Hokien, I don’t know!]
Me: Hus dis?

(I didn’t know I could write a text message using Chinese characters on my handphone until yesterday when I tried it out. I felt like an idiot.)

Me (again): Ni shr shei/Di si siyanga? (Who are you?)
UN: Haha, ni yow shr shei ne? (Haha, and who are you?) [Duh, you texted me first!]
UN: Kh Kh wo shr ni te pheng yow ahh… (Kh Kh I am your friend kaya…)
Me: Wo te kwo yi hn pu hao…wo chn te wun ni: ni shr shei? Don’t make me guess coz I’m having a hard time finding the right characters already. Nui/Nan? (My mandarin is not so good…My question still: Who are you? Don’t make me guess coz I’m having a hard time finding the right characters already. Girl/Boy?)
UN: Khe ni ta te kwo yi zhe X pu tsuo la. Wo shr nui hay ts ni ne? (The mandarin words that you used weren’t wrong la…I am a girl, you?)
Me: I thought you know me so you should know what my gender is Ü [Jologs ako, me pa-smiley smiley pang nalalaman…]
UN: Kh Kh pu man ni shwo. Wo shr chong kwo ren. Wo pu XX ing wun. X ni chien siyaw le… (You don’t talk much. I am Chinese [Duh, hindi obvious, promise!] I can’t understand English. I know you’re smiling na…)
Me: Wo pu ming pay lo (I can’t understand na) [Haha kunyari lang yun]
UN: Ni pu ming pai sh mh ne? Neng shwo ma? (You don’t understand what? Can you speak?) [Lola hindi, hindi ko kayang magsalita kaya nga nakakausap kita…]
UN: Ni neng kaw shi wo, ni shr nan ren X shr nui ren ma? (Can you inform me, are you a boy or a girl?)
Me: Mey kwan si Ü [Smiley ka jan] ni chay fey li pin hwo ma ni la ma? Wo shr nui ren. (Nevermind/It’s OK. Are you in the Philippines or Manila? I’m a girl.) [I really feel like an idiot…]
UN:Shr ah. Wo chay ma ni la, ni ne? (Correct. I’m in Manila, you?)
Me: Wo chay QC. Twey pu chi, wo iaw shuey chiaw lo (I’m in QC. Sorry, I have to sleep.) [Nauubusan na kasi ako ng mandarin eh.]
UN: Chwo X haw X…uan an! (XXXX, good evening!)

Whew. My elementary chinese teachers and my language teachers in Taiwan would have heart attacks if they got to hear or see the way I structured my sentences. Que horror!

I didn’t get to know if she really was one of my friends. Maybe it was a missent text by a Chinese or Taiwanese national. They’re lucky to have sent it to someone who knows very very basic caveman mandarin or hokien. (Though I really don't believe in missent texts in situations like that. It's too much of a coincidence.) But if I found out that the girl is one of my friends, I promise I’ll hunt her down.