To The Someone Who Almost Dared

I don’t know if it was because of my much-delayed resolve to completely let go of all of our might have beens. I was tired of hearing things which I knew, deep down, wouldn’t happen, and I was tired of the silence. I have been praying for it for such a long time now – the strength, the willingness and the willpower to get over our unfinished business with each other. As I was going home last night, Shmooshy was playing Michelle Branch’s Goodbye To You. The song was very apt, especially the first few lines.

…
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

…
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved [liked]
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Right then I decided that I should finally, finally, say my peace. I suddenly remembered my conversation with Jacob’s twin brother, Isaac. I told him that I’m irritated with myself because it takes so long for me to let go. It comes then it goes. Nawawala, tapos bumabalik. ‘It’s been three years,’ I sighed. Kainis.

Isaac put his arm around my shoulder, looked at me with his old eyes and wise smile, and said, “Sometimes, dear, phases take that long…when you’re ready, you’ll know.” His twin who was listening concurred with the same wise smile and an uttered, “Amen.”

And it happened two nights ago. I knew I was ready when I know that there was no pang of regret, of wistfulness when I looked back on what happened (or what didn’t happen) between the two of us. There was forgiveness: for him, and more importantly, for myself. Now I say that when I looked back on all the riot of emotions of my saga with him, it was with fondness, and I smiled deeply as I realize how much I learned about myself and him from our chapter.

You can’t make someone love you. All you can do is to let yourself be loved.

I recall a quote given to me by Jacob about youth. Youthfulness is an excuse to do crazy things, the quote said, and one of its examples was to love unfettered. The quote ends with a reminder: USE IT WELL.

I have let go. And now I continue my pilgrimage and move on, lighter.