ang Fanget ng Host, Mare! (I can’t think of better words to describe it)

My colleagues and I went to FHM’s victory party last night. It was by invitation only, because Pao said they wanted to keep the jologs people out (Huh? So I can’t bring in half of my personality then?). He managed to snag some invites from his friend and Oli, Jody and I picked out our free magazines before heading for NBC Tent’s entrance. Pao, upon seeing the mags that we picked out, asked why didn’t we get the free FHM magazines (we picked out a gadget and a car magazine). I gave him a weird look and said, “What would I ever do with an FHM magazine?” Gadgets and cars are so much more exciting than semi-naked women in my opinion.

We milled for about a few minutes before heading inside the tent. Upon entering I decided I already wanted to go home because it was so packed! I didn’t want to smell the mixed odors of body sweat (Ick. Sorry guys, we girls may sweat more than you do, but at least we smell nice while sweating. Half of you smell horrible when you sweat. Haha, ang arte ko no?) Turns out, it was just the entrance that was so full of people. Once we navigated our way towards the stage, the crowd thinned a bit. At least I can still feel the air conditioning. There was a band playing rock music, and then after a couple of songs, Aubrey Miles opened the show with a dance number wherein she was a butterfly, complete with harness and wings. I know how to appreciate the female body; her legs are so to die for. Grabe. Guys around me were either hooting or staring transfixed on that writhing body of hers on stage. After Aubrey’s number came the reason why last night was so fun and so bad at the same time.

Nothing could have prepared me for THAT VOICE. How shall I describe that voice? It was very loud, it was whiny! Yes, yes, whiny was the word. I don’t want to use the overused “fingernails on a chalkboard” description because it was worse than that. Asia Agcaoili(?) was the owner of that whiny voice. She was such a lousy emcee, Jody and I were making fun of her three-fourths of the time we were there. And the crowd seemed to think so too, because they were not as responsive as they should be. Even her skimpy outfit and all that splaying her legs wide in front of a huge male audience didn’t help salvage her lousiness in emceeing. Ang sagwa talaga. A guy even hollered “You’re a wh*re!” (that’s mean!).

Quotable quotes include her screaming “EF-EYCH-EM’s WAN HANDRED SEKSIYEST FIMEYLS, PI-LI-PI-NO BERSHONNNN!” every time she introduced the various batches of females; “YU NOOOUUU…” (You know…) “Thank you for voting us” from one participant, “WEYL…” (Well) I think Asia was trying hard on having an Ah-mey-ri-can accent, a certain “TWEYNG” (twang) and she failed miserably.

“Her accent sounds so…so…ahhh…vulgar, it’s not refined…” I told Jody.
With a semi-hurt and a puppy dog look in her face, and mirth twinkling in her eyes, she replied, “Uy, wag kang ganyan. Taga-UP yan…” Seconds later, we dissolved into giggles.
I was shocked. “WHAAAAT? UP people don’t talk like that!” The ones I know don’t, anyway. I guess UP does have a wide diversity of people.
She continued, “Ikinahihiya ko na taga UP siya…” Yup yup I totally understand. Sometimes I feel that way about Kris Aquino, hehehe. And it’s not as if Ateneo doesn’t have people like Asia as well.

Chicago’s “He Had It Coming” was completely slaughtered by those sexy star wannabes. I can’t recall their names but man, Renee and Catherine would’ve had heart attacks if they saw that frightful rendition. Eww. There was a nearly scandalous close up of Belinda Bright’s crotch on the two big-screen TVs found on both edges of the stage when she performed a slow-moving helicopter dance step. The other girls who performed were Francine Prieto, Jenny Hernandez, ahm…Sheree, the Viva hotbabes, ahmm….basta a lot of sexy stars who weren’t really dancing (man, they can’t dance to save their lives) but rather slinking, shaking their booty and showing their cleavage on stage in their oh-so-skimpy outfits. And the men were wild. As expected. But I’m betting they weren’t as wild as last year’s event, according to Pao. There was something flat about the whole production, and it’s partly because of that lousy emcee. Hay. But I enjoyed (dissing) the event. Seriously Ü

Sexiness doesn’t have to mean baring your body for the world to see. It can be something small like the way you eat strawberries, for example. I think sexiness is best conveyed if it is unconscious, or leaves a lot to the imagination. But I guess the males just wanted to get a live glimpse of the bodies they have been fantasizing for so long now. Lust and testosterone were spinning wildly about last night. But it was flat. It wasn’t…alive.

We didn’t finish the party because we were too hot and too tired from all that standing. We left when the fashion show came about. And that’s that.